Tough Fighter, Strong Champion

     It is another school night, and I'm up late again.  Go figure.  I just, really need to let some stuff out though.  It has been bothering me for s great deal of time.

     If you know me, like really know me, then you should understand that I am not the kind of guy that lets anything get to me.  I do everything I possibly can to stay happy, because it is pretty much an easy thing to do.  That is, at least, when I'm out in public and with outhers.  I keep a smile on my face, and things don't really get to me. 
     But some nights, I get really emotional.  I think way too hard and into detail that it literally brings up about a million different ideas into my head about whatever is going on.  This could be good, yes, but it is also a bad thing.  Then, in the moring, I'm pretty much over it, for the most part.  I know it all kind of sounds bipolar, but I swear I'm not.  It doesn't happen that often, but here recently i have been so unbelievably lonely feeling.
     I want to blame it on all the bad luck I've had with my relationships, and how it has NEVER been different.  Especially when it seemed impossible to not be.  Then it really doesn't help when I see so many people being happy and in successful relationships.  It seriously sometimes makes me start to feel insecure and paranoid.  I hate this!

     Now the thing, what do I do about this?  I can't just wait for another one of those "fish in the sea" to come find me, and I'm definatly not going fishing.  But sitting around and not dating is not helping me either.  I think I need some serious friend time.  Like 24/7.  Which is pretty much impossible with my living situation right now and all.

     I am tired of being strong.  I am tired of feeling like this.  I'm tired of complaining about it.

    I need a serious change.  Something new, something different.  Maybe that is my problem.  Most of who I am is trapped inside.  I've grown up too fast, emotionally.  It's like, me, physically, is trying to chase after the emotional side of me.  Crazy sounding?  Yeah, I know.  I don't know any other way to explain it.

     A few things I do know:

1. I definatly need to stop trying to be GOOD, CLOSE friends with gay guys.  Somehow, it always screws up.
2. The "trust" needs to stop
3. I need a really good friend who can be my backbone.  I honestly think this can only come from a guy.  I love my best friend Beth to death, but she doesn't understand guys, and has only listens to her opinions.
4. Stay busy, and listen to music at night when I'm alone or text.  That usually keeps me from getting too upset

     So, I shall keep you updated on my feelings.  Yes, I know things will be ok in the end.  I'm just, ready for it to be over with.  Who wouldn't be?